Show Dogs

Jacob Richardson | 29/06/2018

An abomination of a film. The only way to make Show Dogs bearable is to watch it with a pack of rabid dogs, who can maul you out of your misery before Ludacris gets his CGI-canine behind waxed.

After a rare panda bear is kidnapped, Max (Ludacris), a macho, solitary Rottweiler police dog, is ordered to go undercover at a Dog Show, as a show dog, along with his human FBI partner Frank (Will Arnett), in order to find the lost animal.

 

For those considering seeing Show Dogs, let us warn you off right here. This is not one of those kid movies you can get a chuckle from as an adult. This is not Paddington. And dear god, it certainly isn’t Paddington 2. No, Show Dogs is to loveable children talking animal films as Chernobyl is to the political cause of nuclear power - absolutely, unflinchingly disastrous, and unlikely to have the damage it caused those close to it repaired in our lifetime.

 

Every single thing about Show Dogs is bad. Usually, when we write a review we like to put any good things, then anything bad, and then round it out with a conclusion. That is just physically not possible to do here, so we’ll launch straight into the bad.

 

And boy, does it get bad. Whether it is the terrible mix of real and CGI animals, the utter incoherence of the narrative (which seems to have come from a script with every second page ripped out), the lack of any linkage between scenes, the fresh from the Disney channel production values, the inconsistencies in the world on screen or the forced friendship, romance and morality amongst this group of wholly unlikeable characters, every single second of Show Dogs is worse than the last.

 

The cast knows it to. Arnett looks like he is verging on self-harm in every scene, not least of which during the forced bloopers at the end, which seem like a very real cry for help. Even the ~animals~ in this burning dumpster fire of a kids movie look like they don’t want to be there, and truth be told they probably don’t; this is a career killer, even for animated pigeons.

 

Show Dogs manages to muster up every last ounce of possible contempt for the audience, and paints the screen with it in broadbrush strokes of fur, shitty dialogue and tigers that maul pilots WHO THEN SURVIVE A PLANE CRASH WITH THAT TIGER.

 

Do not see this movie. For the love of God, do not see this movie. Go out and buy Paddington on Blu-Ray 6 or 7 times, because filmmakers need to be shown that this uncaring, paint by numbers, couldn’t be bothered approach to filmmaking is no longer acceptable.

Conclusion

Amal, book us an appointment at the Hague. Show Dogs is a crime against humanity.